Dear family and friends,
here is a summary of my journal entries for the crazy week it has been...
Monday night....got to the Odessa train station and boarded our train around 7. sister karpenko and i had our own coupe (a small room with four beds) and 4 elders shared another coupe-1 was going home, 2 were going to Bulgaria with me and 1 was coming up to meet his new companion. it was pretty exciting...i just stared out the window for twenty minutes in awe that i was going on my first 'night train'. one the elders called to me, sister little! what are you looking at out the window? i reply, "i think its a wall!" they check. yep its a wall. but i thought it was still cool. until about 3 am when i still couldn't sleep. this particular train was making lots of stops throughout the night at different towns and so i woke up every half hour. and it was soo hot...but we made it to Kiev by about 7, took a taxi to the temple, and waited in temple housing til the mission office was open. sister karpenko and i called president to have a quick comp interview while we were there that morning, so we snuck in to have one in between all the exit interviews he was doing for all the departing missionaries. we wanted some good direction on how to do the work down here-we're the only sisters in this city and its a big city, we just didn't really know where it start and why we hadn't had a whole lot of success last transfer. he just called us out and said we need to be better missionaries, etc. i just gave him my "look"...i still have lingering doubts/thoughts as i expressed in last weeks letter about just being "done' im just tired. i don't want to do all this anymore. i didn't express these feelings to president, just nodded my head and tried to move on. but i felt empty and more discouraged after the interview, wondering how im going to make it. but...i was off to Bulgaria so i didn't want to think about it.
so after our interview on Tuesday, me and 6 other elders were driven to the airport to catch our flight. we had a layover both ways in Vienna, definitely out of the way and made a long day of sitting on an airplane. so we flew to Vienna then Sofia (the capital of Bulgaria) i got checked every time we went through Vienna's security-searched and all my liquids that i thought were fine taken away from me. i was fine going thru Kiev's and Sofia's security which reminded me that i live in a more lax, less modernized society where they don't worry about the security level being at red or needing to take off our shoes every time. but Vienna, much more 'on top of it' which makes it much more of a hassle.
Tuesday around 5 we got into Bulgaria, the office elders of the Bulgaria mission picked us up in their van, drove us to the mission home, and took us out to dinner. the dilemma of the night was the big question of what to do with me. i needed a companion for the night, and usually sisters going on visa trips go with another sister so they have a companion or with a senior couple. somehow i ended up on the trip with six elders. they were fun and awesome, but...i couldn't sleep in the same apartment with them. i said, "i'll just stay wherever missionaries usually stay when they come"-the mission has an empty apt there specifically for missionaries who need to come for visa trips, they said, i can't because a. i need a companion (i had already forgotten that detail) and b. that is where the six elders will be staying. okay, i said, "ill stay with your mission president and his wife at there house," "you picked the one week our mission presidents wife is out of town" so they had an idea, they'd call a member and see if i can stay with a member. they warned me though, "this member we're about to call, she doesn't speak any English. or Russian. she's kinda crazy, and..there's only one bedroom in her apt." ohmygosh. what the heck was i about to get myself into???? luckily that member didn't answer so they called the next person on the list who was able to be my companion for the night! and she was perfect!!! she's about my age, has been a member almost a year, is thinking about a mission, and speaks Russian! and English! she ended up staying with me at an empty senior couple's apt close to the mission home. it was a lot a fun- the best companion ive ever got along with. probably because we were together 9 hours. :)
wed morning we all met at the mission office to get our paperwork together for the embassy, gave it to a women there who was going to go the embassy for us and get our visas. so after about noon, we were free to travel around the city til she got our passports back to us. the girl that stayed with me, Eva, took half the day off from work to show us missionaries a few sights around Sofia-man, Bulgaria is way ahead of Ukraine. probably because it became part of the European union a few years ago, but it was a big shock to realize that i live in a country that is still very 'soviet style' for example, all if their taxis were yellow, and looked ligit. here, i can't tell the difference between a taxi, someone's car and an ambulance. also, all their police cars matched also, so its just a little more organized. but...i have to decide if i like the modern life better because thats when you have to deal with all the airport security (like in Vienna) and stuff like that.
so wed we saw some sights, ate a lot of food, tried to contact some people about the gospel. it was cool to hear Bulgarian and understand it a lot because its another Slavic language. but, for the most part, people knew more English than Russian, so we spoke a lot of English with the Bulgarian which was really weird. i think Bulgarian is closer to Ukrainian, but maybe its closer to Russian, i don't know for sure.
so wed night we met up at the mission office again to get our passports back, then went back to sleep and left early Thursday morning to come back to Bulgaria (Eva stayed with me again). Thursday was another long day spent in the air trying to get back to Kiev. so we got back to Kiev wed afternoon, and we could have taken a train back to Odessa Thurs night, but our tickets got screwed up so we came back Friday night. and i was so grateful for that mistake!! we had 23 or something new missionaries meet their trainers on Friday, so we got to be there to see everyone, all the new missionaries, and all my old friends from Kiev who were training. so it was a huge blessing to see everyone because i definitely feel 'out of the loop' down here in Odessa.
one funny thing about Bulgaria is they shake their head to say 'yes' and nod their head to say 'no' i wish i had time to tell you how confused we were and how many funny situations we got ourselves in. im sure you can just imagine.
so one more important detail, on Friday morning it was 'back to missionary life' so all those feelings i left our interview with president with came back to me. and i was really feeling i needed to meet with president klebingat again just to kinda talk about where im at, how im going to make it another 3 transfers serving 'happily' but, i knew he was going to be completely swamped in the office Friday with over 50 missionaries there getting new companions, my problems can wait. but, while we stopped in the mission office on Friday, president kleblingat came and found me and said, "sister little, can i talk to you for a moment?" i sat down in his office and said, 'you must have gotten my telepathic signals this morning," he said "no, but I know something is not right with you and i want to help you work it out" i just told him as stoic as i possibly could be, that i don't know what's going on. i simply feel 'done'. i look back on the mission and see, wow, ive done a lot. ive definitely grown, so i don't want to discredit all of that, but...im just looking forward for another three transfers and thinking what am i going to do to make it through? he advised me that three transfers will fly by, but its still too many to be thinking about home, having these feelings, etc. he said, he can definitely see there is something in front of me that is really hard. he can see i am looking into the future and seeing this trial and wondering whether or not i want to deal with it. (in so many words, thats exactly it. am i going to 'endure' the next 4 months, and keep doing what im doing, or am i going try to change, step it up, and be better missionary), He said, sister little, as your ecclesiastical leader right now, as your 'judge in Israel' im inviting you to take that 'hard thing' and go after it. i don't even know what it is...but i want to invite you to go after it. set goals. and in 3 transfers when you sit here for your exit interview i want you to report on whether you tried to overcome it or not. its your choice." he said, "sister little, you could go home right now, and feel great about the mission you served. there are so many people you've helped, people and service that we may not count by the mission standards, but the lord is giving you a little extra time to turn this weakness in front of you that is staring you in the face into a strength, or at least try to." its what i needed to hear. exactly. but its hard. im still crying about how hard it is to overcome this weakness, but i need to keep reminding myself that this conversion into a strength won't happen overnight. and the lord will bless me for trying. and thats what i want to be able to say at my exit interview, that i tried. i took that 'hard thing' in front of me, and instead of letting it sit there blocking me from any progression forward, i tried.
there is so much more i wish i could share with you, but little time. ...but im hoping for a better week, a week of work, a week of better feelings.
im still in Odessa with my same companion, we're one of only a few companionships that didn't change this transfer.
with my prayers for you and lots of love,
sister little
